Greg Schwem
Greg Schwem loves to laugh at topics he finds confusing. That’s why, in Greg Schwem’s world, everything is funny.
A former newspaper and television reporter, Schwem became a full time standup comedian in 1989 and has since performed everywhere from dingy comedy clubs, to spectacular cruise ships, to Las Vegas casino showrooms. His clean, family-friendly humor has also made him a favorite concert opening act for stars such as Celine Dion, Jay Leno and Julio Iglesias. His television credits include appearances on VH-1, Comedy Central and the A&E Network.
In 1997, Schwem developed “Comedy With a Byte,” a standup comedy performance tailored to the business community. Fortune 500 companies including Microsoft, United Airlines, McDonald’s, IBM and General Motors have hired Schwem to poke fun at office culture while keeping their employees and customers laughing.
Schwem’s bits on BlackBerry etiquette, never-ending conference calls, meaningless meetings and the “proper” way to send an email can be heard regularly on Sirius radio and are favorites on YouTube. Greg holds a journalism degree from Northwestern University and has written for the New York Daily News, The Father’s Life and Success Television.
Schwem is also the author of “Text Me If You’re Breathing: Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low-Tech Dad.” And yes, those are his kids on the cover.
Schwem, his wife and two daughters live in the Chicago suburbs. In his spare time, he plays tennis, coaches Little League and talks to himself, leading passers-by to wonder if he is practicing material for his next stand-up comedy performance or whether he is just plain crazy.
Greg Schwem Samples
To my child, I bequeath the blade
I am a nervous wreck as I write this column. Several hours ago, I heard the garage door open and the engine start. My teenage daughter rolled down the driveway piloting a piece of machinery that I warned could cause serious injury to herself or even innocent bystanders if she isn’t careful.
True, she’s nearly 16, but she still seems so young to take on this much responsibility. Was she really listening when I explained, in the simplest terms possible, how the engine operates? When I showed her how to read an oil dipstick, she kept rolling her eyes and repeating, “I know, I know.”
Running the country from the three-point arc
Like most of the country, I spent the past week reading Jodi Kantor’s revealing portrayal of our nation’s first couple. By “reading,” I mean I skimmed “The Obamas: A Mission, A Marriage” in my local bookstore, searching for any sentence that contained “Kardashian” or some form thereof.
Isn’t that how most of the country reads today?
Burying Barbie . . . and other depressing parental duties
I am a firm believer in the “Death Comes in Threes” adage, not only for celebrities but also for children’s toys. It happened again recently.
First to expire was the backyard plastic pool. Nobody could say it didn’t have a long, happy life. From its birth in 1998 when my oldest child turned 1, until 2007 when my second daughter mastered freestyle just enough to swim at the park district pool, it was the highlight of summer. Fill it up with a hose and in minutes it provided refreshment for as many as four squealing kids. I sometimes used it to cool off after a particularly rigorous lawn-mowing session. Sure, my legs protruded over the edges, but who cared? It’s hard to be uncomfortable when your children howl in delight as they dump buckets of water on your head.
Imagining the first Papal tweet
Pope Benedict XVI recently sent his first message via Twitter. Here’s how we imagine the Holy Tweet might’ve gone.
Before this monumental event, the leader of the Catholic Church had been interacting with his followers via speeches, written by hand and sometimes composed entirely in Latin. But apparently the Information Superhighway now goes directly through the Vatican, as evidenced by a video that showed Benedict seated at a table and tapping out his message while a few other religious higher-ups stood by and nodded in approval.
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